19th Century Etiquette
Manners Matter
In the Gilded Age, etiquette and manners served as a critical indicator of social standing. A guide to acceptable behavior, they reinforced social hierarchies and influenced everything from the way people ate, to what they wore, to how they interacted with each other. Here is just a small sampling of the decorum do’s and don’ts that dictated behavior in the late 19th century:
Street Etiquette – Modest and dignified conduct in public was essential. Loud conversation, boisterous laughter, and “undue liveliness” were considered improper. When walking with a lady, the gentleman always positioned her on the inner side of the walk. A gentleman would never pass in front of a lady, unless absolutely necessary, and would apologize for doing so. When two gentlemen accompanied a lady, she would place herself between them so as not favor either. When crossing the street, a lady would gracefully raise her skit about her ankles with one hand. Using two hands was considered vulgar, except in places where there was deep mud. When riding in a carriage, a gentleman would never sit next to a lady who was not a relative. He would always sit with his back to the horses, the lady sitting on the opposite seat.
Ballroom Etiquette — If one were to describe a Gilded Age ball in modern terms, it would easily be compared to a Hollywood extravaganza. Opulently decorated mansions. Exotic foods served on elegant China. Delicate crystal filled to overflow with champagne. Elaborate floral arrangements everywhere. Attendees clad in silks and furs, or dressed in elaborate costumes. Dancing accompanied by a full orchestra.
But more than dress-up affairs, Gilded Age balls were highly choreographed events that demanded adherence to the accepted etiquette of the day. The most striking rule of ballroom etiquette was that no lady could refuse a gentleman’s invitation to dance unless it was previously promised to another. To do so was considered an expression of contempt for the gentleman she refused. Conversely, once a gentleman was promised a dance and his name was written on a dance card, it was “sacred” and could not be broken. Should a lady inadvertently promise to dance with two gentlemen at the same time, she would decline to dance with either one. Strangers could not dance without an introduction, so a gentleman who took particular interest in a lady had to ask a mutual acquaintance to intervene. The introduction, however, was only applicable to the ball. If he were to encounter her again, he could not assume a friendship unless she took the initiative.
Courtship Etiquette — Respectable gentlemen only called on women who were “out” in society, generally when they were 18 to 20 years old, and it was acceptable for them attend balls and parties chaperoned by their mother or another female relative. A gentleman would typically wait for an introduction to be made, requesting permission through a mutual acquaintance before beginning a courtship. Courting gentlemen would visit with their intended in the family’s parlor, always in the presence of a chaperone. Gifts and photographs were exchanged during courtship as tokens of affection, but physical contact was not allowed. The engagement itself—once approved by the family—was a formal process, often involving a written declaration. If the woman did not wish to accept, she was expected to decline politely. It was considered scandalous for a woman to flirt and keep a gentleman in suspense if she had no intention of accepting.”
